Lucy Knapp: Mess!
For my thesis project I created a music video featuring a song that I have written, recorded, and produced. I wrote this song about my own experience as a neurodivergent person with burnout. Neurodivergence describes differences in brain function, such as those associated with ADHD and Autism. Burnout is a state of exhaustion that is experienced by autistic people. Quite often, neurodivergent folks are forced to mask themselves and put in extra effort to fit into social rules, schedules, and workloads that are built for neurotypical people. This extra work of constantly masking and trying to conform to a world that feels incompatible can result in exhaustion, loss of the ability to function, and a decrease in mental wellbeing.
I am showing my own story and experience with the hopes that other similar people might relate and find comfort that they aren’t alone. With this work, I also want to communicate the idea that neurodivergent people are not mentally ill, rather we have a difference in brain function from what is typical. The struggles that come with neurodivergence are typically the result of an incompatibility with a world that is made for and by neurotypical people. In the right circumstances, I think neurodivergent people can thrive in incredibly unique ways and do great things, but the world is currently set up for neurodivergent failure.
To give an image to this internal lived experience I decided to use the lens of my own inner world and show what is happening inside of my brain while I try to stay afloat. This world can be a beautiful place of comfort; however, it can also be in a state of disrepair and turmoil, on a spiraling path downwards, forcing me to question what happened, and what I can do to get back to the way things were. I show this conflict using multiple versions of myself interacting with each other, symbolizing different parts of me and showing what they might do and say.
Ironically, when I created this song during a previous semester, it distracted me from the work I “should” have been doing. However, what was once a distraction is now the basis for my thesis project. In the video, I show the creative yet distracted side as the “Messy” version of myself. She sees the world with a childlike sense of wonder, she is the root of my creative energy. However, she does not fit in well with the world, and is often disorganized by the standards of the culture that she needs to live in. The dark, plain, responsible Lucy represents the part of myself that conforms to the standards of the world, trying to keep the messiness in line and stay organized, echoing parents, teachers, and society. This side of me is what contributes to my exhaustion and burn-out, but it’s also necessary to hold any semblance of stability. “Mess!” reveals this internal battle, but in the end, I show that I am learning to integrate both parts into one. I am re-parenting the messy, creative, inner child whose greatest desires are to express herself, to be heard, and to be understood. Those three desires are the reasons why I make art.